DesiDabba - Boss, Thoda Sa Roomani Ho Jaye

No, this is not a joke. Mike Tyson and Brett Lee are seriously getting ready to make their Bollywood debut.

Tyson, once the biggest (and youngest) boxing sensation in the world, is reportedly going to make his appearance in a music video for the aptly named Fool-n-Final starring Vivek Oberoi, Shahid Kapoor, Ayesha Takia and Sunny Deol.When asked about this casting coup from the blue, producer Firoz Nadiadwala responded that it’s a movie about a bunch of bumbling criminals, one of whom is a boxer. I refuse to write a punchline for that one - it’s simply too easy.

Personally, I can’t help but hope someone will lose their temper on the sets of this video. Then Tyson can bite off Sunny paaji’s ear, Sunny paaji can knock him back Punjabi-ishtyle, bachcha log Ayesha Takia and Shahid Kapoor can sit on the sidelines drinking Complan, while Vivek Oberoi calls a press conference. They could just release the “Making of” video and forget about the flick altogether.

The news channels will go crazy. Fun, fun, fun around the clock! Angry people, all yelling to be heard above each other about racism, violence, movies, sports, conspiracies, the Dalai Lama, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sonia Gandhi, Hinduism, Khajuraho, China, George Bush, Muslims – sorry, I get carried away talking about Indian news channels.

Damn, now I’m going to be sad if Tyson gets cold feet and pulls out.

More attuned to the Indian scene is Brett Lee, who’s apparently a huge star in India(?). I’m not really a fan of the game so maybe that’s true. I have, however, seen his video with Asha Bhosle and I’m so glad he has cricket to fall back on.

But he sure has some “mates” in high places. Apparently, the last offer he received was from the grand-daddy of them all, Amitabh Bachchan himself. That’s right folks, the Big B is recruiting. Lee, however, declined in favor of his number one job because he didn’t have the dates. Man, the guy hasn’t even joined Bollywood and he already knows all the lines. Now that’s what I call doing research.

Since then, an ankle injury has pulled him out of the world cup and he’s currently making the rounds in India, brushing up his Hindi, endorsing products, signing up for more music videos/albums, etc. Bollywood and its date hassles can wait till his career in international cricket comes to an end, he says.

Good for him if he can pull it off but going by Bollywood’s track record, he doesn’t really need to put his heart and soul into learning the language. I mean, why bother?

Take a look at Tom Alter: real talent, Indian (of American origin), excellent language skills – and in movie after movie, he got to play the part of Damned Cruel Whitey With Atrocious Accent. Once in a while he got to act in movies like Shatranj ke Khiladi but otherwise, talk about a pure waste of talent thanks to blatant stereotyping.

But this is New India or something similar that we’re living in, so maybe New Bollywood is going to take a few chances. There are definitely intrinsically-Indian stories out there today that can be made with a multicultural cast.

The problem of course is that nobody is really interested in these. When we hear about non-Indians getting cast in Bollywood it’s almost always a gimmick – including the short-lived Shakira storm and once, long ago, when Samantha Fox (who?) shook her booty in Govinda’s face (ew). Or else you’re a Pakistani and the schtick is that you’re a symbol of the world peace that is about to descend on us all at any minute, in just another second really, two minutes, sir, that’s all, see this movie while you’re waiting.

The few times it isn’t ultra-gimmicky, it’s a movie like Lagaan or Rang de Basanti that calls for a specific engagement before you pack up and go back where you came from. Otherwise, there is a huge market for models and back-up dancers. And the odd firang who shows up as local color in movies shot abroad, of course.

In this context, Tyson is a little more interesting of the two in my opinion because Bollywood and black people have a strange and uneasy relationship – Bollywood prefers to ignore black people even while it vainly tries to incorporate things like rap and the black gospel choirs into its movies. It’s kind of worse when it does pay attention to black people because then they’re either laid back reggae musicians in tons of beads who show up to mouth profound lyrics like “Yo man!” in varying tones or else they’re gangsters out to kill/mug/rape you. Back in the day there was even a little blackface going on but the trend (thankfully) didn’t last.

As for Lee, how many times can he play the befuddled angrez hero who falls for a gaon ki chori? It remains to be seen.