DesiDabba - Boss, Thoda Sa Roomani Ho Jaye

Chris Sligh has always impressed me as a man with a plan. Walking into the sixth season of American Idol, he and his fellow contestants obviously had to have an idea of how the show works. I don’t doubt that he’s genuinely snarky, but his quip during the auditions (“I’m here to make David Hasselhoff cry”) was pretty much an indicator of Idol things to come: nicely calculated to make an impression on the judges and the viewers at home without offending anybody save The Hoff’s German fans (who can’t vote) and those who are in eternal mourning for the cleavage that was Baywatch (who wouldn’t vote for him anyway).

By the time the top 24 were finalized, however, it must have been obvious to him that he hadn’t landed in the two prime Idol spots that gets everybody talking: the best of the best and the worst of the rest. The girls pretty much had a lockdown on the best section while Antonella Barba and Sanjaya Malakar were shoo-ins for the worst (Sanjaya fans, please don’t email me, I know you love him already. Believe me, how I know!).

Haley Scarnato would sometimes stray over to the latter group but her problem is a personality vacuum more than anything else; she has it patched up with her wardrobe for now but it won’t last. Blake Lewis gets into the former by default because he’s young, pretty and beatboxes when he isn’t singing; he also knows songs from the 90s and has that elusive thing called personality, which means the rest of the guys are pretty much screwed no matter how much Timberlake or Nosferatu they channel.

So there are only two other options left to stand out: either bring something “different” to the table or make your way up the controversy rankings. I don’t know if Sligh made a conscious decision to try each of these out but try them he did and failed every time.

First up: bringing the “different”.

Snarky Sligh was in full force when he had that infamous brush with Simon Cowell involving Il Divo and Teletubbies. I bet he didn’t see the outrage coming. It’s a common mistake: people, especially people who hate Simon, always think that he makes an easy target because, well, he’s so free with the insults himself. But as Sharon Osbourne put it once, Simon is Simon. What he can get away with, only he can, for strange and hazy reasons that really make no sense in the light of day. You need to be extremely sure of your ground before you take him on, on his own turf.

In this case, he wasn’t even being all that critical. Had Haley brought out the Il Divo the night he told her he couldn’t remember her name, everybody would have laughed it off. It was a timing issue more than anything else. Sligh wised up enough to make a non-apology (“I love Simon” = “I’m sorry I overreacted” in Sligh speak) but the shine was off the patina.

Now that it had been made clear that there was only room for one quotable asshole on Idol, next came establishing an identity. This is the Holy Grail of the Idol experience. In the real world, if you’re somebody like Haley Scarnato (an okay talent with a great body) record execs will invent one for you; on Idol, they’re after the Real Thing or something like that so you have to find one for yourself. Sligh chose “Cool & Chubby” as opposed to Blake’s “Cool & Cocky”.

Had it worked, it would have been a great idea. Like Rosie O’Donnell pointed out to Donald Trump during one of their spats, it’s not exactly news to overweight people when you call them ‘fat’. Those extra pounds don’t render them blind, you know. So Sligh’s pre-emptive strike with “Bringing Chubby Back” was a nice touch.

It didn’t work with Simon the night of the fight (he said Sligh qualified as a teletubby) but it still worked for me because of the dig at Justin Timberlake, a man who ought to be dug out of sight in my opinion. Of course, it made you wonder what Ruben Studdard did in that case, considering he and his bulk actually won Idol but on the whole it was a nice touch.

Being chubby alone wasn’t going to deliver the competition however, especially considering fears such as the one expressed by this writer:

Although American Idol does not judge the contestants on their weight and it is possible for contestants who have been overweight on the show like Ruben Studdard (who has since lost a lot of weight on a vegetarian diet) and Underwood (who has definitely lost weight for whatever reason since she won–I thought she looked better before her weight loss), it still leaves the question about the long-term implications of whether being fat will hurt Chris Sligh when all is said and done.

So then there was a matter of cool. Maybe it was peer pressure or herd mentality or they’re two peas in different sized pods or perhaps he was always inclined that way (Blake Lewis is his American Idol, he says), but “cool” in this season of Idol is what Blake does. Leslie Hunt (odd, sweet Leslie Hunt – can you have forgotten her already?) broke out the beatboxing in an ill-advised stunt and even Ryan Seacrest was moved to, um, dance. So Sligh did the “current” thing that Blake does so well.

In the process, he ran out of breath, couldn’t find a beat and looked really pissed about being on stage. Finally, he told Randy this week that he felt as though he was “taking a Master’s class”. I guess he flunked.

Too bad, because had he survived this week he could have become the show’s controversial Christian which might have given him the visibility that he needed. Yes, folks, that’s the big reveal – Sligh is a Christian. Did that just blow your mind? This writer suspects it did.

Who knew that Chris Sligh being publicly exposed as a Christian would lead to his demise? Now, considering today’s political climate in America, that is what you call irony! But how else do you explain his meteoric fall from guy-favorite to total shlub in only two short weeks? Surely he wasn’t bested by a beat boxer, was he?

Well, that certainly explains my sudden desire to book Yankee Stadium and rent a few starving lions every time I see Sligh. Crucifixion’s too good for him, I say!

I wish I could say I’m surprised by what some people will choose to believe but after getting a look at what the Sanjaya puzzle has done to the blogosphere, nothing surprises me anymore. I bet someone somewhere doesn’t think Paula Abdul was kidding when she said her strange behavior is the result of an alien abduction.

Not that the hated man of faith angle is a bad one. Godless Hollywood Takes Revenge on the Faithful (for whatever it is that the faithful have done to it) has a certain ring to it. Too bad the people who seem to have a problem with Sligh are the ones on “his” side such as:

Jonathan Pait, a spokesman for fundamentalist Bob Jones University where Sligh attended for several years, said: “We really are somewhat disappointed with the direction he has gone musically.”

I guess Blake is Satan in disguise then, beatboxing poor ol’ Chris onto the ways of temptation and deep into the savage realms of music as represented by bands such as 311 and Jamiroquai. To top things off, Sligh isn’t even the only practicing Christian on the show. Frontrunner and everybody’s sweetheart Melinda Doolittle is just as much of a Christian and nothing seems to be rocking her boat:

Doolittle, before joining American Idol, was a backup singer for several gospel music acts, according to a report by The Tennessean newspaper in Nashville March 21. Some have compared her to last season’s Mandisa Hundley, who portrayed a strong faith on the show and is now recording a Christian album.

Each American Idol contestant answered a list of questions for their biography page on the show’s website, and Doolittle said one of her goals is to “represent Christ well,” and she prays before she performs. She cited her Bible as her lucky charm, and if she wins the contest, she plans to thank Jesus and her mother. Entertainment Weekly magazine has picked her as their favorite to win.

Other contestants with ties to the church include Jordin Sparks, who sang on two Michael W. Smith Christmas tours, according to The Tennessean, and Phil Stacey, who leads worship at First Coast Christian Center in Jacksonville, Fla., and is a graduate of the Church of God-affiliated Lee University in Cleveland, Tenn.

The Fro Patro would have better luck pointing fingers at FOX for apparently conspiring against him for giving a shout-out to its arch nemesis Vote for the Worst by yelling, “Hi, Dave!” at the conclusion of last week’s performance.

If that’s indeed the case, then I bet Curly’s really sad now because it’s pretty clear from Dave’s interview that not only does Dave not care for his singing talent but he might even be responsible for boosting Sanjaya at Sligh’s cost (although that could just be typical VFTW talk). You can’t sing with the hares and vote with the hounds, Sligh. You can either be too cool for this show, or be on the show. Make up your mind.

Oh, that’s right, America made it up for you.

But don’t cry for Sligh, America. Not only does he get to tour with Sanjaya this summer (the lucky, lucky man!), but his band is waiting for him to get back and capitalize on the success of their first album, now making the rounds of the internet, boosted by Sligh’s AI appearance.

Plus, his departure made a significant difference to the bank balance of quite a few fans. Maybe they’ll spend it on his album. Such is the stuff silver linings are made of.

Chris with Band

Chris’ Last Performance